Hello to any soul who is reading this who has been harmed by another.
I can feel your pain. My pain soaks all pain around me and continues to fester inside me.
as you saw above, i tried to include some pleasant pictures to help in case you get in a bad state of mind at all while reading this.
I feel the rain of the new days and i hope one day it will shine down on me instead of the pain of constant rain.
the rain does not fall down from the clouds in the sky. But merely from the thought clouds that become super storms but contained safe inside my brain. Well, safe is what i say for i can keep it inside as long as i can. But when that storm winds are a done a blowing, i may have been blown over by the aftershock. i donmt wish for you to come looking for my pieces in the rubble. If this be my inevitability, then late fate sets it’s footsteps into the stones of time one last time.
but absue is not any easy thing to move past for most. I know i struggle with it on the daily.
PTSD shows no symptoms on the surface but beneath our exteriors when we try to compose our facial expressions down to each line we feel being displaced from our ‘attempted happy face’, we have to force those grooves back into place with every last effort of strength left in our body.
PTSD may seem easy to treat if you have the ability and the open mindedness to try to drown your sorrows and hope that some pill will make it better.
i wish it were possible for it to be that easy for me as well.
Sad to say; my life has never been easy. Well i started this wrong because i am not saddened by this. My life may never have been easy. To me, that’s a great thing.
i have struggled so much and at so many different stages in my life at only 26, that i have been blessed to experience so many different life blessings that even if they may have only lasted for a second, they were worth it.
i still face challenges in my day to day.
one big one is relativity. I have a hard time finding topics i can relate to with people out there because i know me. I know what i have done with my life and that’s about it. I know right from wrong. I know morals. I know the value of good ethics and i appreciate uniqueness and value the though and hope for equality.
i have this mindset where if i have the passion to get something done, or to figure out how to do something right and the thought process to question why i do what i do, but this all helps to guide me through.
i can say that yes, abuse is the biggest challenge i still face.
there are people in this world, drs, husbands in disguise, brothers, friends, heck, anyone can abuse anyone. And it does not matter your gender nor your race.
“Nothing matters. And what if it did?“
(John Melloncamp)
i would like to say that my ptsd has lead me down some dark roads. Even leading me to see traumatic experiences that aren’t there but based on real life.
does anybody else out there understand the feeling of just utterly feeling “DIRTY” and that you feel no way to cleanse your soul from this gross disturbance and the suspicion that never goes away of being “watched as if in a filthy manner“
I can’t bring myself to take medications due to that was part of my problem that led to a lot of my bad situations throughout my life.
i have always had control of my body and had always wanted to stay in control of my own actions. As a you teen, i took antipsychotic medications. These medications blurred my sense of reality worse than it already was.
the worst part though... they made me defenseless.
so say your sitting there and things are obviously getting uncomfortable. You physically are unable to escape the situation though due to your body being basically limp inside besides your brain.
this led me to the sorrows that meet in the shadows of the crossroads. (Figure of speech)
but anyways, i don’t even know my point, if i had one at all.
i just mainly needed to vent and get some of this out of my head. There has been so much abuse that i can’t refuse the dreams of sleeping in a bed of soft clean tissues. Blow my nose and shed the layers and drop them over the edge of that tissue cloud bed and right into the basket 🧺 case for the frangible hopes for better days pilling up in dismay.
to all who may have read this, or anyone who cares, thank you kindly as it shows to me in some form or way.
Stay Strong and Live On!
P. S. - i found 6 four leaf clovers in 2019. I ended up picking 4 of them. This year i found one a few months ago on my friends grave site. She is the one who taught me to find lucky clovers more than 3 leafs after I accidentally found a 5 leaf clover one time. so the other day i set out to break the curse that 2020 has been toying with us with. I did it easily. I found that extra lucky 🍀 4 leafer and i plucked it gently all the way to it’s sprout. This four leaf clover is now in my back of my phone case along with each of the four from last year. So now i have 20 clover leafs all together in my phone case.
Comments